My Dad

Intellectually, I know I'm getting older (I certainly can feel the difference on most days), and I'm aware that everyone around me is aging.  However, it doesn't necessarily sink in and affect me emotionally unless something happens.  For instance, in December I was aware that my oldest son was turning 38.  Surely not!  He's still a child -- nevermind that he has two children on his own.  If he's almost 40, then my baby must not be a baby any more.  Sure enough:  Scott is going to be 36 this year.  I really can't absorb either of those realities.

Now I'm struggling to accept the worst reality of all:  the mortality of someone that I dearly love.  My Dad has been my best hero and boyfriend my whole life, and he's now leaving me.  There's nothing that he couldn't or wouldn't do when I was little -- and I've never changed that opinion.  When I was almost 30 years old and had just been divorced, he gave me a package for Christmas that included a flashlight, jumper cables, and other safety equipment because he was worried about me driving by myself.  Even through Thanksgiving of this year, he made sure that I called to let him know that we had gotten home safely after visiting for the weekend.  During the multitude of years that I traveled by air continuously for work, I had to check in to make sure he knew I had landed safely.  I'm 58 years old and still call him Daddy -- because he'll always be my Daddy in my heart.  With him around, I always felt safe and confident, and I was raised with ultimate self-confidence because he approved of everything that I did and thought.

His love for his grandchildren and great-granchildren was enormous; nothing made him happier than having the whole family around and listening to the squabbling and laughter -- while drinking pot after pot of coffee, and always offering it to the little kids (much to their horror and delight).  All of the kids knew that they could just run to Grandpa and he'd always be on their side.  He felt almost the same way about the "grand dogs"; he'd always have a treat in his hand. 

Dad touching the tree where Lincoln touched it

I'm grateful for so many things in my life, but my greatest blessings are my family members.  We're a large, loving, supportive family due to the influence of our parents, and the strong example set by my Dad.  I can't imagine life without my Dad...I don't want to imagine life without my Dad, but I'll need to find the strength to do just that.  However, I know he'll always be part of my life.  Whenever I have a happy moment or success, I'll remember how pleased he would have been.  Whenever the kids say or do something funny, I'll recall how tickled he always was with them.  I'll never look at a cannon without laughing at how many times he said he wanted one in his front yard.  I won't be able to smell Old Spice without recalling the big hugs.  I've seen almost every Western movie ever made sitting by my Dad and I know almost every cowboy (and actor) in the genre.  The same applies to classic Country music -- I know my artists and the words to almost all of the songs!   My Dad's interest in the Civil War and Abraham Lincoln finally culminated in two trips to Gettysburg over the past few years, and I'm grateful that we had those experiences together.  Those are memories that I'll hold close to my heart with the hope that, eventually, they'll bring me comfort -- rather than the intense sadness and pain that I'm feeling now. 

Again, intellectually, I know that time heals, but I just can't believe there's enough time left in my life to heal the pain that I'm now feeling.